Finding my way through the smoke...

To my shame and disbelief I am growing up a fuck up.
My life has walked down paths I hope to never see again and through all the smoke my mind has become like lump of charcoal, used and over used, destroyed and killed, for ten years now i have been commiting a slow but painful torture. I remember the very reason I smoked my first spliff...I wanted to be bad.

I was thirteen I had just lost all my good little middle class educated friends for a group of fucked up drugies and theives. It was that same year I found out my Dad who I thought was just a normal strict and complicated arab was actually a monster. A beautiful and special man all the same he was still a monster. It was my relationship with my dad that would effect almost every decision I made. It was because of him I knew I would never be like those middle class white kids from Leeds. They were all so pretty blonde hair dads who loved them parents living together it was everything I wanted yet everything I pushed away from. I just wanted to be bad.

From thirteen to 23 I am still a hardcore smoker and could probably outsmoke everyone I know. From thirteen to 23 I am still hopeless in love constantly looking for the bad in everyone when in fact all I need is good.

I am very tired, however I have been tired before and im scared that i will continue in this cycle for the rest of my life. It was only a couple of years ago my life seemed so positive. I had a boyfriend who was also algerian and who understood my family dynamics completely. He himself was a good kind and gentle man he was the true meaning of a man strong protective and smart. I was bored. He showed me the importance of being a good girl, going to get my education, cutting down on the smoking and thinking about love marriage and children. But again I was bored. As soon as a badder boy came along and showed me excitement I left. Like a fool longing for the devils ease hoping for freedom in wrong doing. It was never going to work and it was never going to bring me any happiness at all. I fell for that bad apple I fell weak and vulnerable and as a result I am hurt and distressed. I know I must not keep looking for the bad and start praying for the good. For it is only Allah who has the power set me free.